I am mortified, upset, embarrassed, angry, sad, regretful, happy, tearful and lost.
Today started off as a great day. My parents are here and I am feeling content. Dad went golfing early in the morning and I left mom reading a book as I went to work. I slowly dug through my list and talked with coworkers as my day progressed. Then mom calls saying “OMG, are you on your way?” I said, “Yes.”
See we were attending a trunk show at an upscale store called Caymans. My mom called because everyone was dressed in riches and I think she was feeling a little uncomfortable. I arrived feeling excited and anxious to see what was going on at the store. I found mom and she had saved me a seat. I proceeded to get some food and sit down to eat. I was already stressing over feeling uncomfortable because the chairs were sitting so close and I knew that I would be very squished while eating. However, I wanted to talk to my mom and enjoy myself.
Well not two minutes after sitting down to eat, did the chair break on me. It actually happened as I was turning to get up but still it happened. I do not think this would be that bad of a situation unless you realize that I am extremely overweight. Knowing this now, what do you think was going through my mind? I was upset but trying to ignore what happened.
A girl saw immediately what happened and said to me, “Oh those chairs they are so troublesome” but could imagine what she was thinking. I then left to go to the makeup counter to see what was new. Anything to get away but also in my mind is the only thing I can look at is makeup. I cannot fit into any of their clothes so the makeup counter is a comfortable area to me. I think this is also why I buy lots of makeup because I feel like it is an area that I can deal with while not dealing with my weight or not acknowledging the problem.
Well I felt terrible because my mom was sitting in the chair wondering where I went. I went over to tell her that I was really embarrassed and could not sit down in the chairs again because I was so worried that it would happen again. After wandering around the store for a while, they told us the show was going to start and I just felt sick to my stomach because everybody was taking a seat and I just could not sit down. I then told my mom, that I needed to leave because I was upset. I made sure she was ok because she was dealing with some issues herself. She said she understood but I really felt that I had let her down by not staying with her.
As I left the store, tears rolled down my cheeks. So many thoughts were going through my mind. Why? Why? The funny part was I truly was not worried about the people and their thoughts but what I was feeling inside me. I was mortified with myself!!!
Thoughts kept going through my head that I need to lose weight, I need to change, I need.., I need.., I need…. But I only could think of food. Please do not remember this last sentence as a cry for food but as true hunger. I was then embarrassed that I needed to eat. What is wrong with this statement?
As humans we have to eat but this situation put so many thoughts in my mind that I was beating myself up on eating. I continued to be sad and cried all the way back to my office but told myself I was going to reflect on this experience. Being overweight is not only physically uncomfortable but also mentally uncomfortable.