Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Tears Rolling Down My Cheeks

I am mortified, upset, embarrassed, angry, sad, regretful, happy, tearful and lost.

Today started off as a great day.  My parents are here and I am feeling content. Dad went golfing early in the morning and I left mom reading a book as I went to work. I slowly dug through my list and talked with coworkers as my day progressed. Then mom calls saying “OMG, are you on your way?” I said, “Yes.”

See we were attending a trunk show at an upscale store called Caymans.  My mom called because everyone was dressed in riches and I think she was feeling a little uncomfortable.  I arrived feeling excited and anxious to see what was going on at the store.  I found mom and she had saved me a seat.  I proceeded to get some food and sit down to eat.  I was already stressing over feeling uncomfortable because the chairs were sitting so close and I knew that I would be very squished while eating.  However, I wanted to talk to my mom and enjoy myself. 

Well not two minutes after sitting down to eat, did the chair break on me.  It actually happened as I was turning to get up but still it happened.  I do not think this would be that bad of a situation unless you realize that I am extremely overweight.  Knowing this now, what do you think was going through my mind?  I was upset but trying to ignore what happened. 

A girl saw immediately what happened and said to me, “Oh those chairs they are so troublesome” but could imagine what she was thinking.  I then left to go to the makeup counter to see what was new.  Anything to get away but also in my mind is the only thing I can look at is makeup.  I cannot fit into any of their clothes so the makeup counter is a comfortable area to me.  I think this is also why I buy lots of makeup because I feel like it is an area that I can deal with while not dealing with my weight or not acknowledging the problem. 

Well I felt terrible because my mom was sitting in the chair wondering where I went.  I went over to tell her that I was really embarrassed and could not sit down in the chairs again because I was so worried that it would happen again.  After wandering around the store for a while, they told us the show was going to start and I just felt sick to my stomach because everybody was taking a seat and I just could not sit down. I then told my mom, that I needed to leave because I was upset. I made sure she was ok because she was dealing with some issues herself.  She said she understood but I really felt that I had let her down by not staying with her. 

As I left the store, tears rolled down my cheeks.  So many thoughts were going through my mind.  Why? Why? The funny part was I truly was not worried about the people and their thoughts but what I was feeling inside me.  I was mortified with myself!!!

Thoughts kept going through my head that I need to lose weight, I need to change, I need.., I need.., I need….  But I only could think of food.  Please do not remember this last sentence as a cry for food but as true hunger.  I was then embarrassed that I needed to eat.  What is wrong with this statement? 

As humans we have to eat but this situation put so many thoughts in my mind that I was beating myself up on eating.  I continued to be sad and cried all the way back to my office but told myself I was going to reflect on this experience.  Being overweight is not only physically uncomfortable but also mentally uncomfortable. 


  1. Incredibly moving post. This could happen to any of us. Thanks for sharing.

  2. Oh, Kristi, I wish I knew what to say. I have fought weight problems since 1977 when I did nothing to get rid of poundage when Cathy was born. Since I have retired from teaching, I have lost 25 pounds and that has been almost 8 years in the making. I still have a ways to go. I would like to loose 15 more pounds and that would be realistic for me. I would like to be about 140-145. So you can see, my weight loss has taken a long time.
    My wake-up call was a physical back in 2000. I hadn't had one sine Cathy was born. The doctor told me I had diabetes. I played around with different diets, but the big factor for me was to join the gym at the hospital and now I am at the Staunton Y. I am not an exercise person. I went to the gym twice a week, but now I go to the Y four times a week for an hour each session. My main exercise is the eliptical which I hate, but seems to do me the most good. I go at 5:30 in the mornings to get the exercise part done for the day. If I waited later after work, I would be too tired to go and not get anything accomplished. Sometimes I walk later in the day. When we had dogs, I walked them. Actually, I sort of plan my day in my head as I exercise. I used to think about food constantly. Now, it is semi-constantly. Three years ago, I made a stab at quit drinking soft drinks. I know what it is like to be an alcoholic. I crave soft drinks all the time whether they be regular or diet. Because of the diabetes, I drink water, but not enough to ward off the chronic kidney stones I have. I also have issues with salty snacks. I love them.. Did I say cookies and ice cream? Oh, I forgot all about Lindt chocolates.I love all the fattening stuff. No wonder I am diabetic! I don't purchase near the amount I used to. I spend my grocery dollars more in the perimeter of the store, but not always. I have given up a lot of processed foods and actually do more real cooking. I read that somewhere. To lose weight, one has to cook. I limit fruits though, and do not drink fruit juice any more. But I fall off the wagon and have to pick myself back up.
    This has not been easy. But, I do know one thing. You must not keep beating yourself up. You said your compensation was buying makeup. Mine was buying shoes. Now, I don't have so many shoes!
    I hope to hear from you. You are a wonderful young lady who deserves the very best. And I am pullling for you!

  3. I wanted to add that our Cathy was tested for POS-Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Her nurse practitioner gave her a simple blood test to determine the condition, and put her on the same pill I take for Diabetes. She has lost about 70 pounds since she was diagnosed with this. POS is a precursor to Diabetes. I don't know if Diabetes runs in the Wright family, but if you don't know anything about POS, I would certainly check it out. I first heard about this on Oprah, and since have learned that many young women I have known have this condition.



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