Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Tears Rolling Down My Cheeks


I am mortified, upset, embarrassed, angry, sad, regretful, happy, tearful and lost.

Today started off as a great day.  My parents are here and I am feeling content. Dad went golfing early in the morning and I left mom reading a book as I went to work. I slowly dug through my list and talked with coworkers as my day progressed. Then mom calls saying “OMG, are you on your way?” I said, “Yes.”

See we were attending a trunk show at an upscale store called Caymans.  My mom called because everyone was dressed in riches and I think she was feeling a little uncomfortable.  I arrived feeling excited and anxious to see what was going on at the store.  I found mom and she had saved me a seat.  I proceeded to get some food and sit down to eat.  I was already stressing over feeling uncomfortable because the chairs were sitting so close and I knew that I would be very squished while eating.  However, I wanted to talk to my mom and enjoy myself. 

Well not two minutes after sitting down to eat, did the chair break on me.  It actually happened as I was turning to get up but still it happened.  I do not think this would be that bad of a situation unless you realize that I am extremely overweight.  Knowing this now, what do you think was going through my mind?  I was upset but trying to ignore what happened. 

A girl saw immediately what happened and said to me, “Oh those chairs they are so troublesome” but could imagine what she was thinking.  I then left to go to the makeup counter to see what was new.  Anything to get away but also in my mind is the only thing I can look at is makeup.  I cannot fit into any of their clothes so the makeup counter is a comfortable area to me.  I think this is also why I buy lots of makeup because I feel like it is an area that I can deal with while not dealing with my weight or not acknowledging the problem. 

Well I felt terrible because my mom was sitting in the chair wondering where I went.  I went over to tell her that I was really embarrassed and could not sit down in the chairs again because I was so worried that it would happen again.  After wandering around the store for a while, they told us the show was going to start and I just felt sick to my stomach because everybody was taking a seat and I just could not sit down. I then told my mom, that I needed to leave because I was upset. I made sure she was ok because she was dealing with some issues herself.  She said she understood but I really felt that I had let her down by not staying with her. 

As I left the store, tears rolled down my cheeks.  So many thoughts were going through my mind.  Why? Why? The funny part was I truly was not worried about the people and their thoughts but what I was feeling inside me.  I was mortified with myself!!!

Thoughts kept going through my head that I need to lose weight, I need to change, I need.., I need.., I need….  But I only could think of food.  Please do not remember this last sentence as a cry for food but as true hunger.  I was then embarrassed that I needed to eat.  What is wrong with this statement? 

As humans we have to eat but this situation put so many thoughts in my mind that I was beating myself up on eating.  I continued to be sad and cried all the way back to my office but told myself I was going to reflect on this experience.  Being overweight is not only physically uncomfortable but also mentally uncomfortable. 

3 comments:

  1. Incredibly moving post. This could happen to any of us. Thanks for sharing.

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  2. Oh, Kristi, I wish I knew what to say. I have fought weight problems since 1977 when I did nothing to get rid of poundage when Cathy was born. Since I have retired from teaching, I have lost 25 pounds and that has been almost 8 years in the making. I still have a ways to go. I would like to loose 15 more pounds and that would be realistic for me. I would like to be about 140-145. So you can see, my weight loss has taken a long time.
    My wake-up call was a physical back in 2000. I hadn't had one sine Cathy was born. The doctor told me I had diabetes. I played around with different diets, but the big factor for me was to join the gym at the hospital and now I am at the Staunton Y. I am not an exercise person. I went to the gym twice a week, but now I go to the Y four times a week for an hour each session. My main exercise is the eliptical which I hate, but seems to do me the most good. I go at 5:30 in the mornings to get the exercise part done for the day. If I waited later after work, I would be too tired to go and not get anything accomplished. Sometimes I walk later in the day. When we had dogs, I walked them. Actually, I sort of plan my day in my head as I exercise. I used to think about food constantly. Now, it is semi-constantly. Three years ago, I made a stab at quit drinking soft drinks. I know what it is like to be an alcoholic. I crave soft drinks all the time whether they be regular or diet. Because of the diabetes, I drink water, but not enough to ward off the chronic kidney stones I have. I also have issues with salty snacks. I love them.. Did I say cookies and ice cream? Oh, I forgot all about Lindt chocolates.I love all the fattening stuff. No wonder I am diabetic! I don't purchase near the amount I used to. I spend my grocery dollars more in the perimeter of the store, but not always. I have given up a lot of processed foods and actually do more real cooking. I read that somewhere. To lose weight, one has to cook. I limit fruits though, and do not drink fruit juice any more. But I fall off the wagon and have to pick myself back up.
    This has not been easy. But, I do know one thing. You must not keep beating yourself up. You said your compensation was buying makeup. Mine was buying shoes. Now, I don't have so many shoes!
    I hope to hear from you. You are a wonderful young lady who deserves the very best. And I am pullling for you!

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  3. I wanted to add that our Cathy was tested for POS-Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Her nurse practitioner gave her a simple blood test to determine the condition, and put her on the same pill I take for Diabetes. She has lost about 70 pounds since she was diagnosed with this. POS is a precursor to Diabetes. I don't know if Diabetes runs in the Wright family, but if you don't know anything about POS, I would certainly check it out. I first heard about this on Oprah, and since have learned that many young women I have known have this condition.

    wrightg@comcast.net

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